Driver Four

When I came across this I had no memory of writing it.  It would have been a few years ago when I was teaching the creative writing class.  We usually didn’t make it through the drama section of the book.  I don’t recall any of the students writing one act plays.  I do remember it being something they weren’t comfortable with.  They fussed a bit when we got to this section.  I had poetry kids and fiction kids, and occasionally autobiography kids.  But I never had a kid who was excited about writing drama.

Anyway, this little one act play shows that I maybe could have been successful writing sketch comedy . . . in the 1950’s.  It strikes me as a pretty corny one joke scene.  But I suppose if you’ve ever worked in some aspect of customer service, you might appreciate it.

 

Driver Four

(Scene: Lights up on a man or woman standing in front a big city map mounted on the wall. Next too him is a table holding a c.b. radio and stacks of papers–delivery orders.  He’s on the phone.  Other voice is heard from off stage.)

 MANAGER

 You say your food’s cold and your order’s not right.

 CUSTOMER

Yeah, it’s cold.

 MANAGER

               (checks some papers)

Looks like our driver had your food for about 25 minutes.  It shouldn’t be cold.

 CUSTOMER

And it’s wrong.

 MANAGER

What’s wrong with it, sir?

 CUSTOMER

It’s not right.

MANAGER

What did you order, sir?

 CUSTOMER

 Spaghetti and meatballs . . . and a pizza . . . and bread.

 MANAGER

 And what did you get?

 CUSTOMER

                (to someone else on his side of the line, not to MANAGER)

Hey. . . What’d we get? . . . What’d we get? . . . The food?

(to MANAGER)

We got bread.

MANAGER

 Bread.

 CUSTOMER

 Pizza.

 MANAGER

 Pizza.

 CUSTOMER

 Spaghetti.

MANAGER

 Spaghetti.

 CUSTOMER

                (to other person)

Hey. . .  Did we get any meatballs with that?  The spaghetti?  Yeah?

(to MANAGER)

And meatballs.

 MANAGER

So you got bread?

 CUSTOMER

 Yeah.

MANAGER

 Pizza?

 CUSTOMER

 Yeah.

MANAGER

Spaghetti?

 CUSTOMER

 Yeah.

MANAGER

 And meatballs?

 CUSTOMER

                (to someone on his end)

Hey. . . Did we get meatballs?  Yeah?

(to MANAGER)

Yeah.  Meatballs.

 MANAGER

                (throws papers)

So what’s the problem?

 CUSTOMER

 Oh.  Dude.  I guess we’re good.

(sound of hanging up)

 MANAGER

                (into c.b. radio mic)

Driver, you there.

(pause)

Driver Six, how did that last delivery seem to you?  They seem ok?

(phone rings. Into phone)

Food-2-You, how can I help you?

 CUSTOMER

                (similar as before)

Yeah, um, we have an order here that’s wrong.

 MANAGER

 Did you call before?

 CUSTOMER

 Uh, yeah.

 MANAGER

 I thought we had this worked out sir.  What seems to be the problem?

 CUSTOMER

 The order’s wrong.

 MANAGER

 Food’s warm?

 CUSTOMER

 Was when it got here.

 MANAGER

 It tastes ok?

 CUSTOMER

 Good?  Yeah, so far.

 MANAGER

 Driver polite?

 CUSTOMER

 Yeah, I guess.

 MANAGER

               (groping)

Did you get something that you didn’t order?

                CUSTOMER

 No, uh.  I didn’t get my drink.

 MANAGER

                (exasperated.  picks up previously thrown paper)

One moment sir.

(examines paper)

Sir, it appears that you didn’t order any drinks.

 CUSTOMER

 Yeah.  I think so.

 MANAGER

 I’m sorry sir.  I’m looking at your order, and you didn’t.  Our customer service reps are trained to ask you about drinks.  I’m sorry if the mistake was on our end.  What I’ll do is put a credit on your account so that next time you order you can use that credit.  Thanks for using Food-2-You.

(starts to hang up)

 CUSTOMER

 Yeah, no, I’d like my drink.

MANAGER

 Sir, we’re really backed up tonight, but since you didn’t order any drinks, and I’ve given you the credit, I think that’s all we can do for you.

 CUSTOMER

I can’t order a drink?

 MANAGER

 You want to place another order, just for drinks?  To do that you’ll need to meet the $25 minimum order.

 CUSTOMER

 I’m not paying $25 for a drink.  I want something to drink with my dinner!

 MANAGER

 You’ve already eaten your dinner!

 CUSTOMER

 No I haven’t!

 MANAGER

 Sir, I can connect you with one of our customer service reps so you can place another order for drinks, or you could do what everyone else does when they’re thirsty; you can walk over to you refrigerator and get a stinkin’ drink yourself!

 CUSTOMER

Look pal, I am in a wheel chair. I can’t believe you would say something like that to me!

 MANAGER

 Then have one of your friends get it for you.

CUSTOMER

What friends?

 MANAGER

 Your friends, your pals, your boys, whoever you were talking to before.

 CUSTOMER

 There’s no one here but me.

 MANAGER

 You were just talking to someone last time you called about your order.  Like five minutes ago.

 CUSTOMER

 I haven’t talked to you before.

 MANAGER

 Sir, when you called, I asked if you we’d just spoken –

 CUSTOMER

 No you didn’t.  You asked if I’d called before.  Which I have.  I call and order from you a couple times a week.  I don’t like to cook for one.

 MANAGER

 Who is this?

 CUSTOMER

This is Robert Feinman.

 MANAGER

 (looks at paper.  tosses it aside.  sorts through other papers on desk, find one)

Oh hell!

 CUSTOMER

 What!

 MANAGER

 Oh.  Hell-o Mr. Feinman.  I have your order right here.   With your drink.  I’ll get it out to you right away.  I’ll bump that credit up to a free dinner next time you call.

 CUSTOMER

 Oh. Well, thank you.

 MANAGER

 Thank you Mr. Feinman.  For your patience.  Have a nice night.

(hangs up phone.  then on radio to driver)

Driver. . .

(looks at paper)

Four, Driver Four come in.

 DRIVER

                (over radio)

This is driver four.

(loud slurping sound)

MANAGER

 Driver four, you need to get a missing drink back to your last delivery pronto!  And please tell me that’s not it you’re sucking on now.

(lights go down)

 

 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *